It is the solemn duty of this news commentator to not only report, but comment on current events. As a highly-respected journalist, I feel morally compelled to comment on the needless vandalism of urinal cakes across the nation. While true they are referred to as cakes, and true that homeless people are hungry, I don't believe that homeless people should have to be so hungry as to eat just any thing that resembles -- or is named -- cake. Perhaps I am an idealist. Perhaps I should accept society the way it is, realizing that a small, poor man such as myself could never change the establishment. Call it a feeling, call it a drug-induced hallucination, but I think there should be food for everyone to eat -- particularly when there is food for everyone to eat.

Allow me to be more specific. I'm not writing about the mentally ill people who hold down jobs and lead productive lives. If I were, I'd be writing about the people who do cocaine so they can work long hours. Those are the people who usually eat meals, even if they don't require food for a week straight from being so incredibly wired.

Also, I'm not writing about the mentally ill people who lie, steal, or exploit to achieve success and financial freedom in business, or politics, nor any other profession or career. I won't write about those who climb ladders through corruption and greed for the sole sake of profit, forgetting moral obligations to people they serve, their employees, or stockholders. These people I have mentioned are the productive members of society who find food and beverages at the top of the ladder to success, and not committing senseless acts of destruction by eating valuable urinal cakes. This basically amounts to theft or vandalism since the urinal cake is neither returned to the owner, or it's left half-eaten (in effect, damaged).

If this pattern of devastation is not stopped, I foresee terrible consequences. After a time, people may cease trips to bars, pubs and taverns for fear of utilizing the restroom. The olfactory sense is a powerful one, and we must never allow it to deter us, we the people, from using public urinating facilities. Though this "bathroom phobia" would not be caused by mental illness, it would still be highly destructive to our society. Productive members of society would instead go home, rather than going to get drunk or smashed at a pub. Staying home could lead to spousal or child abuse. Perhaps a child would feel neglected if that child knew their parent was actually home, but occupied in the other room having a drink while watching television -- the parent trying to relax after having a productive and non-homeless day.

The economic repercussions would be disastrous, of course, and taverns across the nation would have to close. We need to ensure the safety of urinal cakes to prevent our way of life from collapsing. We need to make sure bathrooms have an acceptable level of smell, pleasing both to the nose, and containing a well formed urinal cake for the aesthetic delight of curious onlookers.

We must all work together to promote urinal cake awareness and meals among the homeless and starving people of this, the wealthiest nation on Earth. I think we should first feed any homeless war veterans, since many of them were promised free medical care for life. Perhaps we should reallocate funds from spreading freedom, peanut butter, jelly, and democracy around in other nations; then allocate this extra "freedom" money into a "democracy" treasury and spread meals and desserts around, to prevent terroristic attacks of the tummy. Although some of these veterans are disabled and unable to spread freedom and democracy any longer, they still deserve to eat, in my humble opinion. Perhaps even some of that free health care is also deserved, without having to war for it from the government which originally hired them. After the allocation of this "freedom" fund is used for any misplaced veterans, there should indeed be enough leftovers for anyone else who's hungry or starving, especially people who need to eat in order to survive.