Yes, it hurts. And that's why people manipulate. Because the pain that they cause distracts you from talking about what you want to talk about. Here are examples of what to watch for. Anger. They shout, scream, yell, hit things, slam doors, or throw things. Threats: "I'll punch your lights out if you keep saying that." or "I'll leave if you don't forgive me." Exaggerations. "It'll take six years to clean out the garage." Change the subject. "I forgot. How was your day?" Change history. "You're the one who got angry. I was being calm." Shift blame. "What do you expect me to do when you act like that?" Ridicule. "Oh, now you're being the calm one." Inaccuracies. "Everyone knows two plus two equals six." Insults. "You're stupid." Attack strengths. "You tell lies, too." (when you always tell the truth) Patronizing. They treat you like an fool by feigning patience, talking down (small words, simple sentences, slow speech), rolling eyes. Attack things that you value. "You're just like your mother." or "Your father is a dope." Act friendly when you're mad. "Hi, how are you doing today?" Ask for the impossible. "If you don't mention it for five years, I might do what you want." Key Point: You always want to be the most mature person in every conversation. Any time that you lose control of yourself, you lose. That is, never counter attack. Never become upset. Never respond directly to the statements, questions, or actions of the manipulator. Everyone of these is a hook, designed to distract you. What to do: 1) Find help. If you are the target of frequent manipulation (especially over major issues such as abuse, alcoholism, or drugs), seek out professional help. Start with books on codependency for a low cost approach. Most manipulations are used to cover up major problems, avoid accountability, or dominate. Without help, you will lose every exchange because manipulators can outlast decent behavior. That is, they will eventually find a way to offend, disgust, frighten, or upset you. Thus, you must learn how to care for yourself. 2) Detach. Realize that you are being manipulated. Refuse to play the game. If there is a realistic chance of a positive dialogue, let the manipulation pass by (like a thrown mud ball). Then attempt to put the conversation on track by saying something like: "What makes you say that?" "You seem upset with what I said." "You don't want to talk about this." "Yes, and I want to talk about . . . ." 3) Find help. Yes, this is worth repeating. |
