Trust-growth happens most naturally when you and the child are mutually open, when you don't close yourself off, and when you let your true emotions (especially your positive ones) show. In order for our children to become trustworthy adults they must first have the tools with which to build that inner value. Children are naturally trusting and readily place their faith in adults. It is our responsibility as adults to safeguard that trust. Trusting children is a significant factor in building their self-esteem. From the very first response taken to quell a newborns cries to the first time a boo-boo is kissed better, we begin the process of building trust. As adults, each response to a childs needs allows them to know that they can rely on an entity outside of their control to meet their needs to be there ALWAYS. Consistency is key. As children learn to trust our responses, they begin to build a foundation of trust and self-esteem. Being inconsistent in our responses can lead to trust issues later in life. Children learn that the manner in which their needs are met and the level of appropriate attention they are given is directly related to who they are and how they elicit a response from you, their caregiver. If the response they receive from an adult is inconsistent, children learn that the caregiver cannot be relied on. Because children are naturally trusting, they begin to believe that the inconsistencies the adult displays in responding to their needs is directly a result of something the child has done. Children shoulder the blame for inconsistencies. You are your childs FIRST teacher. As your child grows and experiences life, it is important to navigate them through their experiences, always keeping in mind the foundation that is being laid for a healthy adult life. Many of our children struggle with the core issue of trust and being trusted. As your child ages, your response to their needs evolves from immediate reaction to fulfilling their needs to the child growing to learn to model your behavior as a parent to further strengthen the trust building. Lets gather at Caras home: Cara is 13 years old. A typical modern teenager, she spends most nights on the phone or chatting online. Her parents, however, are worried about her contact with boys, both on the phone and online. Cara is on the phone each evening for about an hour and also on the internet. The house rule is that Cara can be on the phone or internet from 7:30 pm until 10:00 pm each night as long as her homework has already been completed and maintains her grades. Other than the time spent on the phone, Mom and Dad cannot identify any other significant behavioral issues. Their only complaint is that Cara is on the phone and the internet with boys not only from her school but that she may have met through her friends. Mom and Dad have no real understanding of who these boys are and have no known issues with them but they feel that they need to place more limits on her interactions with them. As to be expected Cara is confused and angry saying, I do all my homework and follow all of their rules and they still do this stuff! Its not fair! It is clear that Cara needs to be trusted and her parents need to trust her. But how and when are the questions that needed to be worked out. Cara and her parents turned to a professional for help in the matter. Together, they explored all the feelings of her parents and especially their fears and they were able to see that in order for Cara to be trustworthy of them she needs to be trusted. They admittedly had no true reason to not allow her to be on the phone and computer other then their fear of what if. From Caras perspective, she was constantly questioning herself as to what have I done, or why dont they trust me? It is always a difficult to let go of your child as they grow but that is the time that you as a parent must rely on all the great foundations that you have laid and modeled for your child and take the leap of faith to see how they handle themselves. If for any reason that the trust you have given to your child is misused then use this time as a teaching moment and re-frame your expectations and move forward. Here are three simple tips you can use to help build a trusting relationship with your child: 1. Model Your behavior from infancy will set the stage. 2. Consistency Be consistent and follow through with all of your responses both positive and negative. 3. Honesty Always tell your children the truth and to them and in front of them. |
