When I meet with a couple planning to get married, one of the first things I try to emphasize is that the wedding ceremony will be more special if they work with me to make it a celebration of their unique relationship. All weddings include I Dos (also known as The Marriage Questions), Vows, ring exchanges, and a kiss, but there are ways to vary all of these elements, and add more, to create a service that suits you as specifically a couple.

For instance, I suggest that couples find special readings to intersperse throughout the ceremony. It might be a favorite Scripture reading or two, which if fine, but I also encourage couples to find favorite poems or blessings or prayers that can be shared as well. One couple particularly loved the wording on a greeting card he gave her for their engagement, so I read that as part of the service. Others love the Apache Wedding Blessing as a closing prayer, while still others have asked for Emily Dickinson or Mary Oliver poems to be read, or something from Gibrans The Prophet either On Marriage or On Children.

Many couples cant think of something off the tops of their heads when I first meet with them, so I ask them to be on the lookout for something in the intervening weeks between our visits. There are wonderful wedding anthologies out there that you can look through as well as internet wedding sites with suggestions as well. The point is this if there is a particular piece of literature or writing you love, ask the Officiant to include it in your ceremony, as a way of making the service special to you as a couple. And if you cant think of something right off hand, do some looking around. When its all over, you will be glad to have something read at your ceremony that fits you as a couple, or has special meaning for you.

What about the vows? Well, there certainly are different ways you can exchange your I Dos and Vows. You can use traditional forms, which your Officiant will have copies of, or you can use more modern versions of them, which you can find online or in books if the person doing your ceremony doesnt have them available. And of course you can even write your own. Ive had couples look over several different versions of Marriage Questions and Vows, and end up combing variations of them for their own ceremony. Whatever you choose, you dont have to just go with the garden variety traditional vows, unless they are special to you in and of themselves. Go for something special. I always recommend either repeating your vows after the Officiant prompts you, or reading them yourselves from a written card and try to discourage memorization since the stress of a wedding can lead to sudden lapses in memory.

Same goes for the exchange of rings. Its fine to go the traditional route (with this ring, I thee wed) but there are many variations Ive used throughout the years. One of the neatest practices Ive begun in recent years is to invite 4-6 people who are close to the couple to come forward for a blessing of the rings before they are exchanged. The loved ones form a circle around the couple and take the rings in their own hands, offering a silent blessing over the rings on behalf of the couple before passing them on to the next person in the circle. Then when the rings return to me, I invite the couple to exchange the rings using whatever wording theyve chosen. This works especially well when a couple is bringing two families of children together, letting the children take part by blessing the rings as a newly formed family.

What else can you include to make your wedding special? I always encourage music to be part of the ceremony if that is to your tastes. If you dont have access to a soloist or string quartet, and cousin Lenny really doesnt sing as well as Aunt Marge thinks he does dont be afraid to use recorded music during your ceremony. Most weddings have processional and recessional music, but you dont need to limit yourselves to those pieces. If you have songs you both love, consider interspersing them throughout your ceremony as well. Without music, most weddings only last 15-20 minutes, and thats fine. But if you want to stretch it out a bit longer, consider adding music to the program.

Most Officiants will offer some sort of Charge to the Couple or Blessing thats something we usually write after getting to know a couple. Its our chance to offer words of wisdom about life and marriage, using what we know of a couple from our time spent together in pre-marital counseling. I will usually let a couple know what I am thinking of saying, in general, while reassuring them I wont share personal information they might not want shared (even if it IS a good story!) So make sure to ask your Officiant about the charge or blessing and if there are funny anecdotes youve shared in counseling that youd prefer not be shared in front of Grandma, make sure to let your Officiant know that ahead of time!

Maybe you want to include children in the service somehow, or your parents. Perhaps you want to light the Unity Candle at some point, or share a blessing together as a newly married couple. Whatever it is, its your wedding, and the ideas Ive shared are just a few of the ones Ive gathered over the years just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to planning your ceremony. I hope it gets you thinking about how you can make your own ceremony special, and maybe spark some ideas of your own. Whatever occurs to you, share it with your Officiant to see if he/she is willing to do something you have in mind. Some will be fine with what you suggest, but other, more traditional clergy might not be as open to some of your ideas. But it doesnt hurt to ask.

Good luck, and have fun!