What are you doing up? That was at 5:00 a.m. and the speaker was my wife. I said, I woke up at 4:00, didnt go back to sleep so I got up. She disappeared as silently as she appeared. I guess she crawled back in bed. Of course I woke up because I had grandiose plans. Every once in a while I have a brainstorm that results in a grandiose plan. Back when I was working for a living, rather than spending the day goofing off, I would go to one of our manufacturing plants that made fine crystal. The Director of R & D there had a strange-looking cookie-jar-like container of very ancient, quaint, and foreign origin and on it were engraved in gold the words Grandiose Plans. I always peeked into that jar-thing when I visited the plant. It was always empty. NO grandiose plans for that day! I dont have a jar for my grandiose plans but I always have a few tucked away in my mind that just need pruning. My wife always asks, What are you up to now? Well for sure it is another of my grandiose plans that will surely make me healthy, rich and famous or all of the above at the very same time. However, for some reason, they seem to make me poorer. I think surely if I send out this offer to 1000 opportunity seekers I will get a 1-2 percent return and if they each mail out 1000 offers I will make a zillion bucks. I send out my 1000 offers and I get zero response. Lets see: Postage $370 (which will soon be $400), 1000 names $85, Printing $100, my time FREE, TOTAL $555.00. In accounting there are credits and debuts. The above IS NOT a credit. You know that 1-2% is the average yield for a mail order offer. I usually use 0.5 % to predict my minimum income. But, you can get a nice return of ZERO instead of the 10-40% that the guy that sent you the offer said he was making. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! Sometimes it's best to place a small classified ad saying that you have a grandiose idea and would the reader like to learn more about it. It's a lot cheaper! You are after inquiries to which you will send your offer. You will do better! I notice quite a lot of you have been reading my article Empty Mail Box: The Truth About Mail Order and Direct Mail. Hmmnnnn! I think Ill go to that reference again before I blow anymore of my hard earned dough. I dont know of any business puddle in which you can make a bigger belly flopper in the shortest time than mail order. However, it would be against my business religion to not give it a Good Ol College Try when I have Grandiose Plans. I have a new mail order plan and Im going to cautiously give it a try but Im only going to send it to other suckers like me, the ones that send me offers. Teh, heh as George W. says it! I went to my main business website this morning and added two free items to those who order during my Christmas Special. My sales have drooped lately partly because I changed by offline magazine advertising. I get the same number of hits but fewer buyers. I moved to a less affluent audience because the magazine editor said I would do much better than I was doing with the National slick magazines I was using. Well, it is still early. Magazine response can be sloooooow. I also have been losing sales to my competitor. I see that he has been hogging the search engine ratings. Thats why I have to go back and change my strategies there too. If you dont watch the competition on the Internet, in mail order, and direct mail, you can get clobbered with a capital C. Well, it looks like the sun is up, although its raining and I cant see it. Its still too early for breakfast. (I like to have breakfast about 11:00.) I hope my competition is still sleeping! The End copyrightJohn T. Jones, Ph.D. 2005 |
